Ryan was one in a million. I know people say that, but he truly was, at home and at work. I have received such insights about Ryan from those he worked with and been blessed with the affirmation of how much he loved me and my boys, and of course our grand daughter. He did a little bit of everything at his job, and considering no one thought he would be gone so suddenly a huge hole of loss of knowledge opened wide. I can't go into all of what he did, considering I don't even know fully, but I know that he had such vast experience and knowledge from all he did that his loss is felt by those at work close to my own.
However, Ryan was not just my husband, he was my very best friend. Someone I could talk with about almost anything. Someone that would enrage me (as I did him) and still love and cherish and forgive always. We weren't the kind of couple that had to spend every hour together. In fact after he'd come home from work, we'd eat dinner and maybe watch a television show we recorded and then he'd go upstairs to our room or his office and have alone time. On the weekends he usually cooked dinner (and was an excellent chef.) We would sit in the sunroom in the mornings for an hour or so watching the birds and critters before we'd go our separate ways to do whatever needed doing, me usually gardening and him usually computing or watching something on the telly. Then there were the days we'd go out to the arboretum or for a walk. Those were such great times. Just walking and chatting or simply enjoying nature. He was and is and always will be my best friend ever.
Now, I sit and look out at the critters and birds and remember him. I think about how much he'd enjoy watching the new baby bunny or the red-wing black bird that came to visit. When I watch a show that we'd enjoyed together, I think about him in the jokes or the bad acting or the bad or good cooks. Sometimes I'll just be sitting and want to go upstairs and get a hug, then I remember he's not there anymore. I'll want to talk about something with him, but he's not there anymore. All the financial decisions we used to discuss together now fall singly to me. And stangely enough I cannot mow the lawn without crying. Ryan always brought me some water half way through the yard, and he always sharpened the blades and maintained the engines. Now those are things I have to do...and not that I'm not able to do them, but the symbiosis we had was just special...and I miss sharing all the little things with him.
As I sit here typing there are tears streaming down my cheeks. He always supported my writing...even said that once my books were best sellers he'd retire and live off my earnings. LOL. I think he honestly meant that. So, as the first two months of life alone draw to a close, I look back on how wonderful the first 50 years of my life have been and don't know what the next few hold. I will continue to write. I will continue to tend my gardens (and create some new ones in his honor). I will continue to be bold and a bit obnoxious about the world. I will continue to hold to my faith in the one true God and wait for the day I will see him again in heaven. It's hard to believe that life can go on after the loss of someone so special, but it does. I have my sons, grandaughter, parents, in-laws, and friends to care for and be cared for by. And of course I have my wonderful fans and those just reading my scribblings to keep entertained with my ramblings.
Remember always to resist the devil and his minions and they will flee from you. We battle against them constantly, but in the end Jesus Christ has already won. Fight the good fight for we already know who has won the battle for mankind's soul. Resistance
