Tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of Ryan's passing. It has been a crazy, busy, sad, and interesting year. The sadness washes over me on the spur of the moment. One minute I can be fine and then I hear a song, or see an image, or look outside and it all comes flooding back. My best friend is gone. I miss sharing plans with him and I miss talking about the gardens with him. I miss him coming home from work and watching telly while we ate and chatted a bit. I miss our Friday night movie nights and our weekday go to the movie dates. I miss so much about him. Life still feels strange alone. However, with the prayers and support of family and friends I am moving forward with my life...trying to put together plans Ryan and I had discussed as well as creating new things. I'm trying to figure out who I am without him. For 31 plus years he was always with me; always there to bounce off ideas. Of course we had our fights...some real blow-ups, but our vow and our friendship pushed those away and I'm sure we would have shared 31 more years together.

Today I went to the Virginia State Arboretum at Blandy Farm to price a memorial bench in one of our favorite places in the gardens--dead wood hollow. A fitting place really, where nature takes the things that have died and passed away and breaks it down into new life. Something remembered that will go on ad infinitum. Ryan is still remembered by his friends and family. Still not completely replaced at work and certainly not at home. But everytime I watch the fish in the pond or see a redwing blackbird or watch the bunnies in the gardens I feel him in my heart and mind. Today I went to the viewing platform

above the marshland to watch for redwing blackbirds, which are one of his favourite birds, and not only did I see a few of them, but cardinals, goldfinches, downy woodpeckers, robins, doves, sparrows, swooping swallows, a mocking bird and even a wood thrush (another of his favourites). The frogs were singing and the birds were chirping and as tears filled my eyes I remembered all the wonderful times we had together.

Tomorrow will be hard, although I know there will be smiles and tears, I know all those who loved and appreciated him will miss him too. Still haven't recieved news of when the actual funeral service will be at Arlington, but hopefully in the next two months. I'm so glad that I married my best friend and had 31 years with him, 2 boys and one grand daughter who I love with all my heart. I hope everyone appreciates those who are still with you...forgive and move past your disputes. Tomorrow is not promised to any of us. 💗 God bless you all.